Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Dodgers "Survivor"

I was curious how the team felt about the current competition between Andre Ethier and Juan Pierre. It's obvious, even to the lay fan, that Andre is the superior player. He might not show up 6 hours early every day to work on his bunting, but at least he shows up every day. Something Pierre hasn't done for 3 years, figuratively speaking.

I wonder what Kent's opinion is now that Andre is outplaying Pierre, and has outplayed Pierre. I would like it if one of those Dodger's beat reporters would actually do some reporting for us. In the mean time we can play a little make-believe and say what we think it might be like in the Dodgers clubhouse.

Welcome to "Dodgers Survivor"!!! This weeks episode features our first "Vote and Trade" of the season. In an astonishing turn of events Juan has basically fell on his face, slapping grounders around the infield like he was Larry Bowa hitting "incessant earth scorchers" testing the infield defense. Too bad for Juan he is playing against major leaguers. However, against the girls soft ball team from his home town in Louisiana, the girls nicely curtsie and watch the ball dribble past their gloves. No wonder he got a 45 million dollar contract.

Andre Ethier on the other hand has really stepped up his game. Leading the team in basically all offensive categories and leading the league in HR, RBI's, anf OF assists. Jason Repko is also tied for the lead in RBI's with Ethier, both having 13. If Pierre gets traded today, not only will Ethier now be our starting left fielder, but Repko will take over as the 4th outfielder. A role he can manage better than Pierre and at a much cheaper rate. I'll take you to the live action, where the team is debating in their underwear, around a camp fire, surrounding home plate at Dodger Stadium.

Furcal complains about Pierre's lack of ability to 1) cover the outfield. 2) Bat behind him in the lineup.

"Man, the guy just don't know what he doin' out there! He's lost out there, picking his nose when the ball is hit to him. I usually have to play deep just to cover half the outfield for him. And don't even get me started on how many times I got thrown out at second because he tried to bunt his way on. You'all know my vote!"

Others chime in with similar comments. Kemp and Ethier both agree that if their playing time suffers because they have to give time to a scrub like Pierre... they would seriously question the direction the Dodgers front office wants the team to go.

Mark Sweeney decides to start the chant, "trade Pierre, for some hair! Trade Pierre, for some hair!"... the chant gains momentum and others pick up their bats. Around the fire they dance, swinging their bats over their heads and pounding them on the ground. Pierre wisely runs away, and in the dark tripps down the steps of the dugout.

As the chanting slows and laughter calms, Loney directs everyone to make a line infront of the voting booth.

A hidden camera captures the tabulation.

Matt Kemp writes in big bold letters "TRADE PIERRE" and slams it against the camera.

Russell Martin also writes that the Dodgers should trade Pierre and even makes suggestions as to which teams need a leadoff CF. "We can trade Pierre to the Reds, Cubs, Mets, A's, and even the Giants just for gitts and shiggles."

Nomar, Ethier, Penny, Saito, Loney, Jones, Furcal, and others give their vote. All in favor of trading Pierre.

Except for one...

One person decides not to vote for Pierre.

In a moment of weakness, and proabably because he didn't know the camera was there, Jeff Kent sheds a tear for Pierre as he is the only guy to vote for Slappy to stay.

Kent man's up, takes a biker magazine out of the back of his underwear, and collects himself before exiting the voting booth.

Loney opens the lock box and begins tallying the votes. He calls out "trade slappy! That's one for Pierre to be traded", and tallies it in the sand. The second is the same, as is the third and fourth.

The fifth vote however has a little bit of sticky man cream on it. Loney reads it, "I love Slappy Pierre. We need him exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, x o x o?". The team hushed in astonishment look one to another to find the imposter. Kent sniffles to himself quietly, and is caught by Raffy.

No one says a thing...

Moments later, Pierre is traded to the Oakland Athletics for the infamous PTBNL.

Thankyou Bluemouse for the inspiration.


Anonymous said...

No way pierre is wanted by oakland.

I need some hard evidence to buy that assumption.
do you have a link?


Anonymous said...

PS--your new setup is very nice and classy.
I'm glad I inspired you to do better than I did a few years ago. keep it up brother!!!

BlueMouse said...

I called the 1-800 number to trade "slappy mcpopup". This is my new favorite show. I can't wait to tune in next week.

Dusto Magnifico said...

There ain't nuttin like reality tv boys.