Friday, March 14, 2008

How dumb are you? David Chalk decides to tell us.

This was posted at Bugs and Cranks. They are trying to prove that the "Rays" are better than the Dodgers. We'll just do the typical thing and show them just how dumb they are.

Argument #1: Hulkower, You Ignorant Slut.

The Dodgers haven’t done anything remotely interesting since October 15, 1988. Why else would Alyssa Milano have a puppy she got out of a pet store’s “bargain bin” named Gibson? Using Melissa Milano as your argument here really shows your ability, or lack their of, to do some investigating. Coming from a team that has never had a winning season, this is great! They have never won more than 70 games in a season. I'm going to laugh to myself for a moment...

Bringing over Joe Torre might be remotely interesting. It sets up a wonderful situation where if the Dodgers do well, the Yankees look bad; and if the Dodgers do poorly, the Yankees look bad. So this is just a knock on the Yankees huh? You aren't remotely smart.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers have had a rash of spring injuries that rivals the Mets. Really? Who? Tony Abreu (a AAA middle infielder), Jason Schmidt (the 6th man in our rotation), and who else? Where's your remote now.

Infielder Tony Abreu is suffering from “right buttocks tightness.” Sons Of Steve Garvey suggests that Abreu’s Ass might be a Symbol of the ‘08 Dodgers season.

No one, but no one, is suggesting that the 2008 season of our beloved Devil Rays will be symbolized by a buttocks injury. Is that because if you actually win 72 games this year it will be a success? No, the symbol for our 2008 Devil Rays will be ass-kicking. Or a 72 win season. Just ask Joe Girardi, the Yankees interim manager with one less testicle than John Kruk. Burn.

Yet, the Dodgers are being talked about by many as the favorite in the NL West. Not because they are good, but because the NL West is filled with boring teams with little or no talent, and the Dodgers appear to be slightly less boring and slightly less untalented. And this is based on what remotely evidence. If they have enough healthy bodies, the Dodgers may win the NL West. They’d obviously have a much better chance if they do what I hinted at two weeks ago and what Home Run Derby’s Nick The Greek boldly predicts — sign Barry Bonds, The Greatest Player On Planet Earth (The G-POPE). Why don't you guys just hire Joe Girardi? Why don't you become the feeder team to the Yankees? Why don't you sign a player from your biggest rival and remotely who is also the biggest horses arce this side of the universe? Why not?

Our Devil Rays are obviously in a tougher division. Obviously. If our Devil Rays were in the NL West, they would run away with the division by at least 20 games. They wouldn't be able to hit themselves out of a little league park.

The Dodgers are a team full of old, fading quasi-stars and never-quite-weres. Other than Brad Penny and Derek Lowe, try to name another Dodger you wish was on your team. You probably can’t. Here are a few Dodgers that you have on your team already. Dioner Navarro and Edwin Jackson. Two dodgers that couldn't make the cut in LA and we had to send them to our AAA affiliate in Tampa. I bet you would love to have our starting pitching depth. Chad Billingsly, Clayton Kershaw, Eric Stults, James McDonald, (the list is basically endless). And that's just the young kids. We also have Hiroki Kuroda and Esteban Loaiza to round out the rotation. And on the field: Just the young guys again! Russel Martin!!! Literally the guy that took Dioner's job away from him. Matt Kemp! James Loney! Andy Laroche (I admit he's no comparison to Eva Longoria Parker) Chin Lung Hu. And now for the vets. The best CF in all of baseball, Andruw Jones! I doubt you'll want Raffy Furcal. Because you have such depth at SS. No wonder your team has never passed the 70 win mark. You people think that what you have will actually win.

Our Devil Rays are a team full of young, emerging superstars you wish your team had. I'll take Crawford, Upton, Longoria and Kazmir. Maybe Pena. But that's it.

We’ve now covered half the teams in Major League Baseball. Like the 14 teams that came before them, and like the 14 teams that will come hereafter, the Dodgers just ain’t shit compared to our Devil Rays. You're "Rays" are shit. So the Dodgers can't be compared to them.

We’ll prove it head-to-head only if it’s in The World Series. And only if the other team has to hit with 24 inch bats and pitch with their opposite hands and play defense with no gloves. Sure, given those circumstances you just might win. But it would be a 7 game series and come down to the last at bat.


Anonymous said...

I used to have a crush on ms milano as a young man, but I met tony danza and he was the biggest asshole ever!

fuck everybody from "how's the boss"


Dusto Magnifico said...

That was quick.

I still think Melissa's kinda hot.

After hearing that Penny hooked up with her I was a bit turned off. Brad seems like a nice guy and all that, he just looks like a truck driver that'll take anything he can get because he has some weird disease.

Hulkower said...

How come you didn't defend me? In his first line, that's me.

Alyssa Milano is a great girl, just wanted to add that.

Anonymous said...

this is poor writing. You did succeed at making someone look like a fool, it just didn't happen to be your intended target. This is comparable to a literary boomerang.